Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Self-cleaning conscience
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.