Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know