@mrjohntofu: Gift cards are another way of saying, don't spend this on dope.
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@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry
@david8hughes: Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
@PattiOShankable: My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like