Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Thinking about Jeff
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.