Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?