Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.