gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Lmfao
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
mmm onion ringos
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*pronounces fake like saké*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.