Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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my mind
You just read my mind
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes