*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*seductively corrects your posture*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen