Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook