@chrislockefun: Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me.
Perry: What do you mean? Can't regular things kill you?
Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?
@donni: Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.
@thepunningman: [doctors]
"How long have I got?"
"Not long. Two, three months"
[casually places apple on desk]
"Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@Reverend_Scott: Good thing Father's Day is only one day. I don't think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
@RedBeard3000: Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle
M: yes, I was drinking
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