[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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PARKOUR
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers