[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.