Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Oh hi lol
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!