[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.