Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad