@badbanana: Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you're about to throw yourself at me.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that size shouldn't matter so she went out shopping and bought my "boys room" a new 4 inch TV.
@BruceForce: Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis. I swear that's the last time I sing "You ain't nothin but a hound dog"
@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
@anylaurie16: Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.