Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Investing in beetcoin
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?