@moose_chocolate: Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
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@shesananteater: My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don't understand how revenge works.
@daemonic3: Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]
@DanMentos: *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport* TSA agent: I've never seen this low of a reading