Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.