“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
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When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.