@Tmoney68: Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you're never with me when I need you & I've forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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@dave_cactus: DAD: Hugh, please. It's a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining. HUGH J'DISAPPOINTMENT: It's not my first name I'm upset about.
@Reverend_Scott: wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
@my_minivan_life: Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
@Travon: I'm opening a restaurant called "It doesn't matter, whatever you want" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.