@JohnLyonTweets: Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you've killed some people.
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@Henry_3k: Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
@: New neighbor came over and said "I'm required by state law to introduce myself." Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
@Fred_Delicious: Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion: - Has six legs - Fewer people want to pet it - Responds to popular scorpion names like 'Maurice' or 'Steve' - Has a tail made of ouch