@JohnLyonTweets: Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you've killed some people.
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@TitansHomer: [High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
@BoogTweets: Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh…
@SeanEmeny: Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business