Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
You Might Also Like
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..