MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.