@AdamOfEarth: Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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@Travon: Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"
@KentWGraham: Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.
@koalaslament: [on a date] *showing her pics of my pet lizards* ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth" HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"
@SirEviscerate: NALA: Why can't you be the king I know? The king you have inside you? SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.