@AdamOfEarth: Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Every time you sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" I'm reminded how much I disapprove of My son's friends.
@jjhartinger: [happy hour with friends discussing politics] me: I'm going to keep my mouth shut. alcohol: wanna bet.
@WhiskeySoured: Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
@PaperWash: Last minute gift idea: Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted