Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Shower sex be like:
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.