Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.