Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
(Musicians.)
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
12653.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.