Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
WWE is French for “yes”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”