Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health