@JohnHilsen: Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you're not microwave-safe.
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@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@joejwest: [on date] ME: I like my women like I like my wine WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink? ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please