Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The asteroid..
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.