@robdelaney: Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
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@Epygma: "Do you want to go out on a date?" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T "Why?" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL
@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
@MissNaughty1801: 7y:why are you putting make up on? Me:to look nicer 7y:when does it start working?
@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".