Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
#parenting
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I finally found a reason to live again.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free