Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You Might Also Like
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.