Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Life hack
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*