@tonyhawk: girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.
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@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@ch000ch: me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate professor: i meant questions about the midterm
@Playing_Dad: Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more? Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
@farahfergie: I bet "jerk chicken" is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.