girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…