@tonyhawk: girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.
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@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
@NurseMurderer: I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
@philmann: PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
@joshgondelman: I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.