girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.