girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Finally!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.