So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here