My boss called in sick of me
You Might Also Like
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.