Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.