[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans