[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.