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@bashfulcoward: girl: brrrr it's cold haha
me: you... you want my kimono?
@WildeThingy: I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@JimGaffigan: As long as McDonald's doesn't make us pay with excercise.
@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
@lazy_joe_: Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up
@BrettDruck: Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.