*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.