do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct