[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Well, that didn’t work.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.