imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
are they though??
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good