*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
🍞🦆
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them