@blaha_Who: Whenever I get a midnight "Hey" dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply Maybe she's inviting me to church or something fun like that

@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

@AndyAsAdjective: *accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

@murrman5: *buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*

@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.