Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin