GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer